Bullshitters Attack Us

As we sat on the shoreline throwing rocks, eventually those who forever glorify the past began to move towards the other end of the shore in order to avoid us. Faulkner kept swigging from his flask out of boredom. Or maybe to cover up the shit smell. Actually, Faulkner just drank whiskey all the time. He passed it over and we stared out over the lake of bullshit. I noticed a few more people swimming in it: Dr. Phil from Oprah and Ann Coulter were both dog paddling nearby. I waved Ann Coulter over, since I'd always thought she was hot in the living world, and asked her what was on her mind. "The liberal media has waged a propaganda campaign that has put me in this place. I'm not apologizing to their absurd whining. I was very tolerant of them and their beliefs and this is how they reward me." I nodded and thought better of explaining that maybe calling F.D.R. a dummy just because he was a Democrat might be emblematic of why she was in a giant lake of cow feces. Still, Ann Coulter is a babe and I offered her a swig off the flask. As I was reaching out, Faulkner snatched my hand and dragged me back. "Don't offer these animals anything! Damnit, haven't you been listening to me? They believe they are right and that it's all someone else's fault that they are in Hell. They could start stampeding and then we'll have to sit through a mass-bullshitting." But it was too late. Coulter let out an unearthly groan and then screamed, "STILL ALIIIVVVEEEE!!!!" In seconds the shit began foaming and frothing and the bullshitters were crawling out onto the edges of the shoreline. I got up and made to run, but Faulkner held my arm. "They won't do any physical damage. And I'm not missing the kayaker and waiting around this God awful stench any longer than I have to. Now we have to sit through a mass-bullshitting, thanks to you." And so it began. By its essential nature, bullshit is a distortion of the truth for personal gain. Except people in Hell have nothing to gain nor do they have any access to real truth. So, some of the people would simply argue for my attention, some of them were trying to get me to jump into the lake, and others wanted my stuff so they could throw it away. These assholes were good too. I ended up giving my watch to some Sumerian, who laughed and threw it into the shit. Faulkner turned to me and said, "I fucking hate you so much," as a professor of English badgered him for a signature on a soggy turd.